What 'cha Thinkin'?
He said / She said
Mr. Dennis Hammond and Mrs. Colleen Hammond
Christians have been fed to lions. I've read about martyrs being drawn and quartered, burned at the stake, and subjected to various other tortures and torments. I've seen men knocked unconscious on athletic fields and hideous auto accidents. It's all frightful stuff. So, what is it that happens to me when I hear this question from my wife?
"Honey, what 'cha thinkin' about?"
Why does this question make me uneasy? Is there really a correct answer to that question? We men are embarrassed to admit that too often not very much fills our heads. We know we ought to be solving the world's problems and making all around us better. We know time is short and we've been told to be aware of the more lofty things. But we are what we are. Creatures of the flesh. We are too familiar and comfortable with relaxation and leisure. Too many times, perhaps, our thoughts are of nothing too consequential.
So, this question put me on the spot.
When my wife asked me The Question, we were sitting in front of a flickering fire sipping wine. Does Colleen want to hear about the NCAA match-ups? Does my wife care about my latest work sagas? Then I recalled that mortgage rates had fallen and thought it might be time to refinance. So, I poked at the fire and said something about considering refinancing.
Refinance? Dennis knows that women are tape-recorders for discussions. My mind raced. Had my husband mentioned this to me before? Nada. Zip. Nuthin'. My puzzlement grew into irritation.
"But we talk about everything," I thought to myself as I fingered my glass. "How could Dennis think about doing something so monumental and not discuss it with me?"
Granted, I wasn't opposed to discussing refinancing because the rates were going down. But I was miffed that my husband might make such a financial move without at least discussing it with me.
Looking back, it was silly to be upset. Dennis hadn't actually made a move but only thought about it. My real annoyance came from feeling neglected because I hadn't been consulted. In retrospect, I know it was my pride getting in the way. My emotions had left the station and were gaining speed. Forgetting about the power of a smile, irritation oozed into my tone of voice.
"Refinance, Dennis? How could you think about something like that and not talk to me about it?"
Why is my wife so chilly about this, I thought. It's silly for Colleen to be upset. I hadn't done anything wrong. I thought myself responsible to think about bettering our financial position. It's good stewardship. I am looking out for the good of our family and the community. Besides, I had said I was only thinking about refinancing, hadn't I?
Colleen's apparent lack of common sense irritated me. I was asked a question; I gave an innocent answer; now, my wife's upset. How illogical is that?
I put down the fire poker and coolly explained the three or four reasons why refinancing made all the sense in the world and that I had everything under control. I threw in a couple of reasons why my wife shouldn't be upset.
"Don't worry about it," I said, settling next to Colleen on the sofa. "It's no big deal."
Like a roller coaster climbing its first hill, my irritation grew to exasperation.
"Oh, really?" I replied. "You think it's 'no big deal'?"
I was hurt because my husband seemed to be dismissive of–and indifferent to–my feelings. My anger really wasn't about refinancing or being neglected; it was about Dennis trivializing my emotions.
During the "honeymoon" years of our marriage, I would bite my tongue and pretend things didn't bother me. I would often back off and apologize to avoid an argument. Now I understand that "backing off" is not honest and would lead to my being resentful. If women don't share their thoughts and discuss them, resentment will mount. When a heated discussion or outburst is over, men forget about it and move on. Women, however, never forget, and less virtuous women seek revenge either by pouting, the silent treatment, or worse. That's not a healthy pattern for people married for life nor is it what the sacrament of marriage is all about.
At this point, I had a chance to nip my rash judgment in the bud. To grow in patience and charity. To smile softly and explain my wounded feelings to my husband. But as I crested the hill of my emotional roller coaster, I prepared to inform Dennis of how big of a deal this really was. I took a deep breath, tried to count to ten, then let it out.
I'm not sure I remember exactly what my wife said, although Colleen probably will. How do women remember all of that stuff; like what we were wearing, where we were standing, and what the weather was like that day? It's a wonderful gift that God has given women, until it's used against me.
At this point I didn't care about refinancing one way or the other. I was just angry that my wife was so upset. Colleen expects me to handle the money and then disapproves of the way I do it? I'm only thinking about choices, not making them. Doesn't Colleen trust me?
I want my wife to be protected from any burden of financial anxiety to be able fulfill her vocation of mother, homeschooler, and heart of our household. Doesn't Colleen appreciate what I do and how I protect her from unnecessary fears and anxiety? Have I become untrustworthy? Doesn't my wife know I have our family's best interests in mind and that there is no reason for her to be upset? Unless Colleen calms down, I'm going to get real angry. Actually, I guess I already am.
"Honey, you need to calm down," I said.
"Calm down"? Pardon me?!
My emotional roller coaster was now whooshing downhill in full blown anger. How could my husband be blind to the fact that I had every right to be angry? Dennis hadn't consulted me, then belittled my feelings and told me to squelch them. Then my husband blamed me for everything even though Dennis started it!
I glanced at the man I married. Where was my hero who consoled me through my trouble spots? The one who helped with the newborns when I was overwhelmed? The man who cared for me during my illnesses? As I glared at his profile in the firelight, I suddenly saw an uncaring and inconsiderate brute.
Emotions. They make us forget the details and contribute to things blowing out of proportion. Fiddling with my wine glass, I realized that I had let all my thoughts center around myself. Not once had I considered the viewpoint of my husband. Knowing a touch of guilt, I took a sip of my Chianti and wondered how I could gracefully exit our discussion.
Somehow, the refinancing issue was no longer the point. My wife and I were arguing about the way we were arguing. How did this happen?
I thought I had been challenged. I was backed into a corner, distrusted, even disrespected, and my competitive nature kicked in. I was wounded and fought back. Determined to triumph, I had focused more on being right than realizing how my wife may have heard me.
Maybe my wife hadn't really challenged me. What if I was the one to start the argument? I thought Colleen resisted my point of view, so I defended its merits (and mine, too). Never had I paused to acknowledge the possibility of hurting her feelings. My logic and reason, which I carried like sword and shield, didn't do me much good here. My approach made things worse. A log fell into the fire.
My husband's tone of voice sounded callous and saddened me. At the same time, I regretted the demeaning tone of my voice and choice of words. I hadn't upheld Dennis as my knight in shining armor. I had doubted Dennis and rejected his care for the family. Less angry now and contrite, I prayed for the right thing to say.
As a man, I find it easier than my wife to restrain and dismiss my emotions. The phlegmatic part of my personality makes it even easier to do so and "remain calm." To my wife this sometimes comes across as being aloof and callous. It's easier for me to dismiss the emotions and needs of others, and that sometimes includes my beloved. That is not what Colleen needs nor deserves.
That neither spouse is loved nor appreciated by each other in such situations is at the core of most arguments, and certainly it was the case for this one. We just weren't listening to each other.
My grandmother always told me that I had two ears and one mouth and should use them in that proportion. So, I must remind myself to listen. Real listening is charity in action.
Too busy defending myself, I hadn't sifted through Colleen's verbal clues and missed my tip offs about what she was feeling. A first step is to remember that emotions are not reason, logic, or math; they are. What we do with emotion is what counts. The second step is to stop and listen.
Understanding these has helped Colleen and I discuss things calmly even though emotions may be raw. We acknowledge the emotions and then set them apart from the matter at hand, like refinancing or whatever. When a woman's emotions are dismissed or minimized, they don't go away–they escalate. I said a quick prayer and turned to my wife to apologize.
My husband's apology was endearing, especially since I had been so defensive. The masculine nature deals better with ideas than with people. Because of this emphasis, any woman expressing ideas or emotions needs to remember that a man may misinterpret her behavior. If a wife tells her husband she's upset about something, he's likely to think she's confronting him because she thinks he's to blame. But most of the time a wife just needs to vent her thoughts and emotions. She doesn't need a problem solved; she just needs to "get it out" to make her feel better.
The real test of married love is to forgive each other and overlook daily limitations and imperfections. It's easy to love someone who is perfect, but the only perfect people are in Heaven. As Catholics, we forgive other people as we hope they will forgive us. That same charity begins at home.
Over the years of our marriage, I've learned not to minimize nor rationalize away my wife's emotions. I have to keep "Mr. Fix-It" at bay. And if she's upset, I take a breath and find out why. I listen, without explaining, defending, or solving–which Colleen needs from me to help validate her feelings. Frankly, it helps me, too, because I can understand where she's coming from. If I avert my attention from what my wife is saying and instead defend myself or play Mr. Fix-It, Colleen feels dismissed, unimportant, and ignored. I resist the urge to list the logical reasons why my wife should not be upset. I hear her out. It's a guaranteed way to have Colleen know I love and cherish her, need and protect her.
When my emotions in a discussion escalate, I need to remember to look inside myself and reflect on how I may have contributed to the argument. And yes, there are times when I do need to calm down. When someone is pushed, they tend to push back, so how can I expect Dennis to really hear what I'm saying about how I'm feeling unless I do so calmly and gently?
I need to remember that mistakes happen. Why should I worry? My husband needs me to support him and any anxiety I build up is from me and me alone.
Smiling at Dennis, I let him know how much I appreciate the things he does for the family, and that I accept him and trust him. Totally.
Really, it's not that bad to sit and listen. When I do, I won't stiffen when Colleen asks, "Honey, what 'cha thinkin' about?"
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