Catholic Education, Pt. 9
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Part 9 |
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Rev. Fr. Alain Delagneau
We must now discuss a topic which out of false modesty some traditional Catholic parents fail to develop with their children, that is, the education of purity. On the contrary, it is their duty to deal with this. Too often we have seen how nearly impossible it is to save those who have had the misfortune to be enslaved by impurity through ignorance or weakness. Parents must understood that by weakening the character and will of a child, this slavery opens the door to every evil, namely, fornication, abortion, divorce, adultery, and selfishness. It seems that this disorderly passion leaves nothing intact. It is like a hunger which is never satisfied. Don't think too quickly that your children are exempted from this universal affliction! To be pure in this flood of corruption will not happen merely as the result of a pious wish or a sincere desire. It will take a true education, healthy and complete, which had not dodged the problems at the different ages of life. The education of purity is a solid and balanced education which takes place in conjunction with the action of grace.
As regards the teaching of purity, it is a mistake for parents to bring up children as it was done 20 or 30 years ago when the nation still maintained a certain moral consensus against impurity and immorality was not thrown so openly at everybody. This is why parents must protect, form, and arm their children.
Children Must Be Protected
Wise parents must be committed to protecting their children. Often, this requires great self-discipline on the part of the child's mother and father to practice what they preach. If the action of parents contradicts their own admonitions to their children (i.e., "Do as I say, not as I do"), these inconsistencies will undermine parental authority and make the insistence of parents a total joke in the mind of the child. In any case, parents must look to banish from their homes anything which could let the poison of impurity enter the home—TV, magazines, questionable people, etc. [Simultaneously, however, parents must look to fill the void left by removing these occasions of impurity by encouraging positive pursuits such as healthy work, hobbies, family field trips, etc.–Ed.] The effort to purify the home is greatly aided by prudently choosing with great forethought the right places to go for holiday trips and camping-out when leaving it.
During this protective period, parents must gradually form the will of their child while offering him knowledge of this delicate issue as the inevitable questions are asked. During this time, true sentiments and conviction are strengthened. Ideally, towards the end of adolescence, parents may grant more flexibility in the relationships their child keeps, without excluding a certain firmness and prudence, ensuring his moral protection while still giving him room to mature on his own. This stage demands a lot of wisdom and prudence on the part of the parents. They must be vigilant, yes, but cannot "babysit" their child and disallow him from learning to restrain himself on his own away from their gaze.
We will now consider the three elements necessary for the successful education of purity: 1) the example of the parents, 2) the developmental stage of the child, and 3) what should be said by parents and when.
The Example of the Parents
When it comes to purity, parents must be sure to post the highest Catholic standards. These standards are not arbitrary opinions; they are convictions. And parents must be united in these convictions. Mothers, be aware that women simply do not see themselves as men do. They just don't get it, really, but learn by male reaction what brings men to look. Men, be sure that you do not take advantage of this "blind spot" and allow immodesty either in your household or to walk out its door. There's no such thing as "a little bit," for "a little bit" is always a lot. It is a fact of male pride and feminine vanity that men like to look, and women like to be looked at. Unified, well-established, Catholic convictions shared by parents regarding purity will be easily transmitted to the children, especially if they are based on a true devotion to the Holy Virgin, the Holy Family, on a life of family prayer and strengthened by frequent reception of the sacraments.
Purity must be dear to the family because it is God's will.
For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that you should abstain from fornication; that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor: Not in the passion of lust, like the Gentiles that know not God. And that no man overreach, nor circumvent his brother in business: because the Lord is the avenger of all these things, as we have told you before, and have testified. For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto sanctification. Therefore, he that despiseth these things, despiseth not man, but God, who also hath given his holy spirit in us. (I Thess. 4:3-8)
Purity is the pre-eminent virtue of our Lord and of those who were around him. He chose a virgin to be His Mother, a foster-father of shining purity. Among the Apostles He was partial to the virgin, St. John. Purity leads us to perfection. "Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God" (Mt. 5:8). St Augustine comments: "Chastity is the most glorious and eminent of virtues because it is the only one which enables souls to see the Lord."
Purity makes the soul beautiful and pleasing to God. St. John Vianney can be quoted at length regarding this virtue:
A pure soul is admired by the three persons of the Holy Trinity. The Father contemplates His work: "There in my creature"; the Son, the purchase of His blood...; the Holy Spirit, His dwelling place as in a temple.
In the order of celestial virtues, purity is like the rose in a bouquet. Of all the flowers in it, it is the most beautiful and the one that smells the best.
A pure soul is like a lily, the smell of which reaches the throne of God. It is like a beautiful lake in which one can see the bottom because of its clear water. An impure soul is like a swamp, like a dried-up pond.
"This virtue," says the Curé of Ars, "gives us a great power on the heart of God. We cannot understand the power that a pure soul has on God. It does not carry out God's will; it is God who wills it... Oh! a soul which has never been soiled by this damned sin obtains everything it wants from God."
Here is a beautiful consideration given us by a Redemptorist:
To test crystal, flick your finger against it and its worth will be recognized by the sound it makes. The pure soul is a crystal which gives a divine sound. Chastity is purity, limpidity. What is clearer than the waters of a lake in the Alps? No impure breath has ever disturbed its surface. It reflects the sky and nature is mirrored on its banks. The pure soul is a spring of pure water that reflects God. Chastity is strength. The pure soul maintains its ardor for great devotions and heroic sacrifices. Chastity is happiness. The soul which is free of attachment to earthly wealth belongs totally to God and leaps with all its energy towards Him and enjoys in return the benefits of this divine union.
Parents must maintain between themselves a respectful attitude in word and deed. Avoid in public undue familiarities which arouse or flatter your sensualities. Be careful to dress in a manner exemplary to your children (even if and when you're "going out"). On the other hand, parents must be the living example of mutual tenderness. They should manifest before their children deep affection for each other by a thousand proofs of devotion, consideration, patience, and sacrifice. We should consider ourselves fortunate if we were blessed with parents whose life was a flame of devotion towards each other, this flame which burned in their hearts and which united them. It could be intuitively detected in their least actions, words, or looks. What a sweet joy it was for our young hearts then, and, later how it became a source of enlightenment and respect. Strong and true love is built up slowly, leaving deep impressions oftentimes, strangely enough, without our awareness. Harmonious, loving, and respectful homes transmit this spark of true love into the second and third generations.
On the contrary, families dominated by selfish passions transmit a firestorm which soon ruins the souls of its children. We pray that young people could understand this damage and its far-reaching consequences. If they did, they would prepare themselves much more seriously for marriage.
The Developmental Stages of the Child
Be aware of the sensuality of your child! It is present from its first days! Sensuality is the satisfaction of one's desire for pleasure and is most usually associated with the pleasures of the body. Parents promoting occasions of sensuality or allowing their child to give in to sensuality with passion are leading their child to slavery, selfishness, numbness of mind, and a weakened will.
In the course of the first years, the child will look with determination for anything that flatters the taste and gives pleasant sensations to the body. Parents must see to educating this sensuality by avoiding what flatters the senses, for instance, by avoiding a bed that is too warm and too soft. Or, parents must teach the child to eat all kinds of food without complaint. Parents can teach him to do without a useless piece of candy for a superior or supernatural motive. When cuddling him or in other manifestations of affection, parents—especially mothers—must do so with discernment so as not to develop an excessive sensuality. Bath times, generally, should not be too long in order to teach the child that hygiene is a duty and not a time for romping pleasure. The child must be swiftly reprimanded in a wise manner for indecent touching. Do so by simply telling him that it is wrong to do such things and that God wants him to keep such parts holy. Do not shriek aghast and scare the child. Such behavior may lead to contrary results. Guide your child to sleep with his arms over his sheets so that he does not touch naturally or by curiosity intimate parts.
In his first years the child has no will at all to dominate his sensations and no knowledge for directing them. Therefore, it is the duty of the parents to teach him to discipline and regulate himself for the total good of his soul, intellect, will, and health. Excesses of sensuality will breed in the child habits of capriciousness, weakness, paralysis of the will, selfishness, and a clouded intelligence. These are already the chains of the flesh.
The Child (6-10 Years of Age)
Not long ago, it used to be that during this period, allowing for some exceptions, children of this age group had no clear idea about impurity. This, of course, has changed. While this is naturally meant to be a latent period when passions lie somewhat dormant, today's commercial emphasis in the media on arousing the senses to advertise and sell has, in the main, destroyed this latency of true childhood innocence. Our society, especially its cities, swims in base imagery, dialogue, and music, and all of it is available anytime at a keystroke. No parents can kid themselves that the times are as when they were growing up, and, because this is so, the education of purity in the child must be given more and different attention. Even in true childhood innocence, passions have not yet risen at this age, but a child may already look for certain pleasure in touching and looks. These are an extension of attitudes most probably poorly corrected or left uncorrected in his earlier childhood. They still can be dealt with now, but with a lot of tact, persistence, and vigilance.
Five Elements to Forming Pure Souls
Let us now note, in what should be naturally and generally a calm period of growth, a few elements of formation which will enable the children to act virtuously as they grow into adolescence, that period of maturity extending from 11 to 15 years of age.
Parents must train their child to understand that the motivation for the habit of modesty is for supernatural reasons. Modesty is a beautiful garment which clothes the soul of the child and gives him a true respect for his body. It is in the eyes. It is shown in the attitude of the child towards himself and towards others. It has its foundation in the look of faith which knows the body is a holy temple of God. It is always mindful that God's eyes are upon its least actions, even those hidden from men.
Before a group of young Catholics who were immodestly attired, a young priest told them something to consider and which was engraved in their heart:
"Have you noticed the care with which the Church covers its sacred vessels to hide them from the eyes of the people? The chalice and ciborium are always covered with a veil. Why all this mystery, if not for respect for vessels destined to contain the body and blood of our Lord? Your bodies are a thousand times more sacred than these vessels! And they have been blessed by the sacraments! Dare you treat them with less respect than lifeless gold and silver?"
The habit of prayer which parents inculcate in their child gives his soul a supernatural sensitivity and aversion to impure things. Prayer makes us raise our eyes to the eternal, towards the sanctity of God, the beauty of virtue. Prayer cultivates the spirit of respect of God, of justice. Prayer opens the soul and enables God to place in it graces of strength and light. The child who maintains a spirit of prayer acquires a reflexive repulsion for what is bad and, sometimes, a sixth sense for even hidden evil.
A spirit of sacrifice, of combat, of effort, opposes the environment of capriciousness, bad tendencies, and materialism which must be avoided at all costs in our homes. Oftentimes, just to buy peace, parents make themselves obedient to every whim of their children. They try to excuse them from the least efforts against their sensuality [by, for instance, allowing them to be difficult at meal time, pleading with them against their insistent complaints about everything, or, compromising them with excessive attention, etc.–Ed.]. The clear consequence is that they become slaves to the sensitive part of their being. The child who has not become accustomed to curb his wishes nor regularly train his will to master his impulses through sacrifices will practically be incapable of dominating the excitements of sexual appetite. On the other hand, a child who has been trained in habits of sacrifice, quickly becomes master of himself. He will be able to overcome his passions. At the moment of temptation he will know how to resist it.
The spirit of devotion, which opposes selfishness, teaches children to give—to give of themselves, to help others by giving joy. A genuine spirit of devotion will help the child fight against idleness, laziness, introspection, and passive melancholia. Such attitudes invariably lead to the dangerous day-dreaming which impurity will only intensify. A devoted child strives for consistency, looks to help without being asked, tries to please and make things easier for others, is accessible, has a taste for work and is happy when occupied with it, is courageous, and expends his energy in healthy physical outlets.
Finally, the spirit of the Christian ideal must occupy his imagination. Imagination is the culprit in numerous falls. These pictures, these words, this music, these books and catalogs more or less immodest, come back to the mind in times of sadness, discouragement, depression, solitude, idleness, to produce impressions and arousal. A child imbued with the Christian ideal is better equipped to control his imagination if in it he has stronger images of the Catholic kind which excite a genuine enthusiasm for the good, true, and beautiful. The imagination that is fed the Christian ideal in liturgy, the arts, the crafts, and professional institutions will be profoundly attracted to pursue it and repulsed by what opposes it. Parents must put before their children real stories enfleshing the Christian ideal: the virtue of some saint, the exploits of great men and women, the heroism of our Lord and bravery of our Lady, etc. Projects requiring selflessness of the child should be encouraged and leave even a deeper impression on his soul when the whole family joins with him in the effort.
Adolescence (11-15 Years of Age)
Perhaps it is advisable to review the introduction to your child's adolescence in the chapter dealing with it [see "Catholic Education, Part 7," The Angelus, Aug. 1999, p. 16]. As regards the education of purity, this period is very critical and quite delicate. Young boys especially are known to develop bad habits at this time and can remain slaves to these habits for years. The changes which occur in the bodies of adolescents can be for them an occasion for agitation and anxiety from which distractions must be encouraged and commended.
But this turmoil will be even more serious if the child is left helplessly ignorant. Left without the knowledge and direction parents must prayerfully offer, the child looks at himself, examines himself, touches himself, and this easily leads to the discovery of an enjoyment which he is likely to renew. For the young girl there is a general irritation with her body which begins to flower in its complexity. She becomes overly sensitive to the changes signalling the advent of womanhood. All this leads to anxiety and an imagination obsessed with body-consciousness (made even more hyperactive by the world's own obsession with the body).
The first way of strengthening the will against these nascent sensations and eliminating the turmoil is to give necessary explanations. This is in order to give the soul practice in dominating the body. Absolutely, these explanations must be given before puberty. But, as the date to give the explanations cannot be pinpointed exactly, it is advised to counsel the child earlier rather than later. What must be absolutely avoided is the risk that such delicate explanations which are a duty of parents might be pre-empted by unsavory peers who will offer warped, incomplete, and perverse information. Do not subject your child out of false modesty to such first-heard initiatives. This is a job for you and the Holy Ghost so that your child will be able to sustain this struggle without the scars of gutter-explanations and remain pure.
Many parents shy away from this duty. They ask, "How do you go about it without damaging in any way the soul of the child while at the same time saying what has to be said?" Fearing to answer, they do nothing. The overarching principle is to inform the imagination and the soul of the child with necessary knowledge of the psychological realities he or she will go through to reach manhood or womanhood and then give him physiological explanations necessary to avoid turmoil.
It is enough to take examples and indications from daily life which show that your adolescent is undergoing a deep transformation. Inquire of them whether it is really becoming to an adult child of God to allow himself to be enslaved by the tendencies of nature? Lead them to know with conviction that there is only one way to be a man or woman of character, and that is to know how to control oneself.
Among the natural instincts, there is one that God has placed in the body of man with a view to procreation. But children can only be educated and formed morally by the collaboration of man and woman. In order for this collaboration to be possible, there must be a common roof under which man and woman live. To start a home, a young man must have reached a respectable age, have built an estate of some means into which he can honestly invite a woman, and have achieved the measure of control over himself which will allow him to be the man of sacrifice and charity he needs to be to lead a family. In young men, the instinct of generation and its temptations appear very early. This is the opportunity for the young man to courageously resist the natural desires of the moment in order to forge a pure soul and prepare himself manfully to realize the work of God.
Similar explanations must be given to the young lady but according to her nature. She will be able one day to be a devoted and attentive mother only if she has learned to control herself and to devote herself generously to those around her. The successful struggle against the temptation to wish prematurely the lavish attention of a man and to desire self-gratifying affection will be for her to prepare herself for Catholic motherhood. Since already every month she is reminded of her ability to conceive children, she must understand she has been formed by God to be the instrument for bringing children into this world who are to be trained for heaven.
Honestly caution both boys and girls regarding the temptations which will tend to encourage in him or her the selfish and disorderly search for pleasure which is reserved for the marital embrace—temptations which provoke selfishness instead of charity, falsehood and heartbreak instead of true, faithful love. Make the girls beware of the feminine fancy of provocation.
This honest, orderly, and serious manner of educating the adolescent regarding purity will not trouble him. On the contrary, it will spare him the turmoil caused by curiosity and bad conversations. Above all, this education will help the young man and woman to receive future responsibilities with confidence and knowledge.
What Should Be Said by Parents and When
Some parents might be queasy in seizing their duty to educate their child in purity. Without this help from them, however, how can the will of a child be strong enough to master temptations when their intellect cannot understand what is going on, what is good, what is bad? There is nothing more dangerous for a child's imagination than to independently look for an answer in the wrong places. Just one question, which might be so easily answered by a parent who is otherwise inaccessible or unapproachable for the young adult to feel comfortable with, is enough to trouble a youngster's mind and lead him to sully his soul. Yes, you must talk. You must guide and enlighten your child.
Answer questions only as adequately and as simply as the questions themselves, that is, it is not necessary to say everything at once. Take your cues from the psychological capacity of the child. ["A thing is received in the manner of the receiver."–Ed.] When a child is young, he is not capable of the shyness and prudery of self-consciousness. Naively, he just asks anything that comes to mind. The golden rule is to give him a logical answer which will not be contradicted by the complementary explanations to which he will be entitled later. [In other words, do not give fairy-tale answers about babies coming from storks or out of pillowcases, etc.–Ed.]
If mother or father, however, is caught off guard by a question of the child, they can find an excuse of some chore to give them time to prepare themselves for an adequate reply adapted to the child. But they must not put it off until another day nor are they to assume an uncharacteristic solemn tone for these explanations in relation to other conversations.
Some children ask no questions. This is especially true of only children. In this case, you must talk with him tactfully in order to introduce the topic (before someone else does). Ask entry-level questions to probe his status. All things being considered, this could begin about eight years old, for example, before puberty, when the senses have not been aroused. The imagination is less vivid and the senses more calm to these things at this age.
Talk with simplicity and frankness. Replies must be imbued with faith. In other words, make the child discover the providential plan of God to create man and woman. Later the child could be told about the love of Christ for His Spouse, the Church. Recall the teaching of St. Paul (Eph. 5). To avoid making temptation of these revelations, present them from a general angle to awaken true ideas of marriage and the marriage analogy. This kind of talk is the mandatory prelude to speaking more directly about the physiological descriptions of procreation.
In talking with your children, do not omit to insist that flesh is selfish and restraint forges greatness of the soul.
Flesh is selfish. In its seeking for personal satisfaction, slavish service of the flesh weakens the power to love and to give oneself. To prepare oneself for a true and durable love, the heart must dominate the senses and impose on them sacrifices demanded by conscience and the knowledge of responsibility. Love is in the soul. It implies effort, moral sense, awareness of the future, and the care for the good of others. Human passion comes from the senses, that is, the lower (inferior) powers of our soul. To satisfy itself it is obliged to silence the higher (superior) powers of the soul where our intellect and will reside. Passion is blind, selfish, and fickle. Only genuine, Christ-like love is lasting, lucid, strong, and considerate. What greatness of character, what a blossoming of the heart and of controlled emotion, comes to the young man or woman who lives in purity and continence! What order, what strength in this soul, when the body is the humble servant of a will in submission to the divine faith. Virginity is a physical, moral, and intellectual safeguard. The memory of the chaste is prompt and docile, their thinking quick and fruitful, their will vigorous. Their character enjoys an enthusiasm unknown to those who give in to their base instincts. To help our parents, we suggest these typical explanations which can be given to a child as he matures physiologically and psychologically.
To the Very Young Child (5-7 Years of Age)
To the smallest children, confine any necessary explanations to the role of the mother in some manner as this:
Before becoming a baby—a small child with a body, arms, legs—you were only a small seed, the most precious of all the seeds that come from the hand of God. This seed is the start of a grown-up man or lady, and God put that seed into the body of Mommy. And so, surrounded by Mommy's warmth and love, and protected and nourished in Mommy's body, this small seed grows and grows into a baby. When the baby gets big enough to live outside Mommy, he leaves Mommy. This can hurt mommies. That is why mommies stay in bed for a few days after the baby is born out of Mommy. When you were in Mommy, you got strong from Mommy's blood which made you grow. For a long time after you were born, however, Mommy feeds the baby with her milk. You see how well God makes things and how much you should love your Mommy?!
Thanks to such explanations, the child will understand the link which unites him to his mother and will love her more for it.
If he asks about the role of the father, it is enough to explain at this stage how Daddy is head and protector of the family, that Daddy feeds the family by working and through his strength Daddy protects and defends the family home and keeps everybody safe.
To the Child (8-12 Years of Age)
Make the same explanation as to the very young child, but develop it a bit more, emphasizing the plans of God and the material link. Nowadays, children ask more questions and observe more keenly. Therefore the mystery must be explained more deeply, by revealing the role of the father and mother.
God created a man called Adam and a woman called Eve. They married and God said to them: "Go and have children to cover the whole earth." So Adam and Eve had many children. Since then, a lot of other men and women have married to have babies, too. This is because God wants us all to go to heaven to be with Him. God prepares us on earth so we can go there. That is why God does everything for a reason. He gave us teeth to eat food to keep our body strong. He gave us a stomach and liver to make the food good for the body to use. He gave us arms to work and legs to walk. He gave man and woman organs to have children, to give life to more babies that will become more men and women. Mothers and fathers have a great respect for what is used to give life. This is why when they feel great love for each other and they want to increase the number of God's children, the father places in the mother's body a seed which will become a small child. That child is smaller than the head of pin and we call it an embryo. For about nine months the mother safely keeps him, nourishing him with her warm blood and wraps him up with a lot of love. Day after day, the small child grows. After already only two months, the doctor can already see well-formed little arms and legs.
Of course during this time he is growing the baby moves. This can make your mother tired and sometimes sick. But, that's OK. Mothers put up with these things with happiness because they love the baby inside them very much and are praying that he become a good child of God. Then the day of birth comes. It can be painful for your mother, but what a joy to hold that baby in her arms. What a joy also for your father who has followed everything closely.
So, you see that since the beginning you have been surrounded by a lot of love and care. This is why you should love your mother and father dearly, try to make them happy, obey them....
Puberty (12-15 Years of Age)
By this time, the body of the child is undergoing transformations which arouse curiosity. The boy or girl is concerned about these changes and must not be left in the dark about what they should know to behave accordingly.
It is the father's duty to explain things to his son like this:
God wanted to associate man and woman as partners in the great work of His love. In His goodness and wisdom, he decided that no child would be born without the help of a man and a woman. You have come to the age when you will stop being a child and become a man. It is my duty, son, to tell you how God uses man and woman to do His work.
With the animals who lack immortal souls and therefore intellect and will, reproduction is carried out under the impulse of instinct. But for men and women, who have immortal souls and an intellect and will, God did not want this great act of procreation to be done outside a small society based on love and common life. This is known as marriage. It is into this society that a child will be born and surrounded, protected, and loved. He will have a family which will help him grow in peace.
God wishes that Christian love between the father and mother be the first condition for their marriage, to have children, to use their body to carry out their duty to have children. It is the father that carries in him the seed of life which he places in the body of his spouse, of his wife. This seed which is called the sperm, meets the egg produced by the woman and fertilizes it. When these two meet, an embryo is formed and will go on to develop in the woman's body. It is necessary, son, that you carry within you this precious seed, in that part of your body which is the sexual organ. This is why you must respect it and preserve yourself against impure gestures.
It is at puberty, the age at which you are already or will be soon, that sexual transformations occur. These changes turn the body of a child into that of a man capable of transmitting life. In order for the seed to be transmitted, it produces an erection which makes it easy to come out. Of course you must not provoke it, it would be a sin. But you will experience involuntary urges which you must not dwell upon and which you must repress. Sometimes, during the night, after more or less violent movements which are not instigated as such by yourself, a liquid will come out and this is none other than the precious seed. It will wake you up, but do not be alarmed, son, as you did not provoke it willfully.
These arousals and urges will precede the years before you are old enough to choose a spouse and start a family. It is therefore through these years of preparation that you have to conquer yourself and develop the qualities necessary to be the head of family. [See Fatherhood and Family, available from Angelus Press.] You will also have to overcome the impulses of your base instincts. Your first duty is to respect in yourself the generating blood which will someday father your children. This will keep you pure. Learn to properly respect women so that one day you can freely choose the one who will be the mother of your children. Outside marriage, the search for sexual pleasure is a serious disorder which degrades our powers, offends God, destroys love and self-denial as God willed it, and does so also in the woman whom you violate....
The mother will find challenging the more delicate talk necessary to have with her daughter. In any case, it must be clear and thorough enough to prevent the temptations and dangers which are liable to threaten her. The same talk about the beginning of the divine work can be introduced and then continue something like this:
It is possible, daughter, that you are beginning to feel sometimes an indescribable melancholy or, on the other hand, an exuberance which is difficult to repress. Deep down, this is a vague need to love and be loved which is trying to come out. While not yet well-defined, this feeling comes along with great changes in your body. Your sensitivity is more excitable. At certain times you feel tired and irritated by an undescribable ill-feeling. This ill-feeling ends up with a loss of blood. It is very important not to be upset nor to become anxious by this. Your body is producing the eggs to be fertilized necessary to conceive life. It is showing you its monthly reminder that your body is the soil which will be able to receive in marriage the man's seed which will fertilize one of these eggs.
Now that you have become a young woman, daughter, allow me to caution you about a few dangers. You feel the need to flirt, this need to please and to show yourself off to young men. Undue provocation is the sin of vanity for you and most likely a temptation to the man to whom it is aimed. A young woman must not show any teasing familiarity to young men. Her interior holiness will not allow it. Seek to carry yourself in a genteel and elegant manner. Be reserved, but relaxed and not stuffy. Be disposed to a sense of decency in order to not wilfully tempt a man.
The other danger is that of an imagination which you allow to dream of idyllic, impossible, fantasy love. Refuse this dream. Prepare for, await patiently, the real thing. Guard your heart and sensitivity in order to keep in all their strength the powers of love that God has so remarkably given to us women, daughter.
After Puberty (16-17 Years of Age)
Circumstances will warrant that additional counsel be given. In this case, fathers must re-address their sons:
You will one day be a husband, the one who protects, who advises, and guides. You must prepare your heart and your mind for this difficult mission. It is a delicate task and if you have not prepared yourself, you will cause unhappiness for yourself, for the woman to whom God will entrust you, and the children he may bless you with.
Remember that flesh is coarse, selfish, and loves enjoyment, son. The woman's flesh gives birth in pain. Man's flesh, however, must be contained and mastered if marital love is not to degrade into carnal selfishness. Be a gentleman of steel and velvet. Respect the fragility of women, yet raise strong children inclined towards good.
Remember that you will be the father, the one who awakens life, who spreads it to his family. Be happy to see several children entrusted to you by God, to see them grow. Through you they will learn to discern the good; through you they will obtain a generous will ready for sacrifice; through you they will learn to love God and their neighbor like themselves.
Avoid those who prostitute love in fleeting relationships. They offend God by killing real love. They destroy the creative forces of their body and their soul. Pity them and do not become one of them!
If you desire to love, look at God. He alone knows the real laws of love. It is by obeying His laws, son, that you will see the flame of love flare, taking hold of your heart and making you fulfill your vocation.
It is at this time that young ladies must be reminded of the possible dangers of imagination and idleness. Encourage them to stay busy and not foolishly wait impatiently for a "dream man."
Daughter, whether a woman is called to marriage or not, her vocation is unique: it is one of devotion. This is why you will not be happy if you have not started forming your heart and your will towards self-detachment.
You will experience a double temptation, daughter. Your imagination will make you dream about imaginary love and make you believe that you are ready for any devotion. In reality, these dreams will only make you entertain and develop your selfishness because they do not lead to positive actions. It's very possible that at the very times you think you are the most devoted that you will be the least willing to help those around you.
Beware of fostering fantasies by reading bad novels which make you see life through rose-colored glasses which deform it. If you wish to make the right choice of a husband when the time comes, live in the real, even if the real is less attractive than the dreams of your imagination. Learn to devote yourself to those with whom you live with right now—me, your father, brothers and sisters. Do this today, daughter, if you want to devote yourself with selflessness to a husband and children tomorrow. The love of your future family is not that different from the love of your family of today. Practice now the virtues which will be useful in your future family.
As God wills, you will have a husband to love and children to raise. You will bring to the family your virtue. If this virtue is outstanding, you will nourish your family. If you are pock-marked with faults, you will be for it a source of disillusion, of suffering, and degradation. Try then, during your years of youth, to understand fully the greatness of the vocation of the woman and be ready to fulfill it well by consistently applying yourself to develop the generosity and devotion which characterizes our feminine nature, daughter.
A young woman must not enter marriage without having been clearly informed beforehand of her duties regarding marital love. She should know that her body and that of her husband are destined to be united and that this union is only good if it does not frustrate the reason for the action of this love.
Fr. Alain Delagneau was ordained a priest of the Society of Saint Pius X in 1980 and is the head retreatmaster at the retreat house, Our Lady of Pointet in Escurolles, in central France. This article originally appeared in the French publication Marchons Droit, No. 44, 1988. It was translated by Fr. Gerard Ockerse, a priest of the Society of Saint Pius X, ordained in 1994, who is stationed at St. Joseph's Priory in Harare, Zimbabwe (Africa). This installment was heavily edited and adapted by Rev. Fr. Kenneth Novak.
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