July 2025 Print

An Honor and an Obligation Not to Be Refused

By Randall C. Flanery, Ph.D.

Pope Pius XII, in the first weeks of his pontificate, initiated the practice of inviting newlyweds to an audience with him, at which they would receive an allocution on the married life and his Apostolic Benediction. These discourses continued, numbering seventy-nine, until the demands of the world forced him to stop. I have excerpted a few statements from a similar allocution delivered to a gathering of fathers of families, September 18, 1951.¹

He asserts that Catholic men are bestowed with rights, privileges, and obligations that extend beyond themselves. The first duty of fathers is “…the preservation of the physical, intellectual, moral, and religious sanctity of the family.” The second is “…to defend the rights of the family against all attacks or external influences which could attack its purity, faith, and holy stability.”

Pope Pius XII expounds on what Catholic fathers ought to believe, desire, and know in order to save their souls and to establish an environment in which families can save their souls. The mission is not any different than it was seventy-five years ago. The challenges and obligations resonate to this day.

The Responsibilities of a Father²

Provide for the family financially. Fathers manage financial resources, well enough to see that the family’s basic needs, e.g., food, housing, healthcare, etc., are secured both immediately and in the long-term, by means of savings for times of emergency and economic uncertainty.

Ensure the safety of the family members, physically and emotionally. Families need to feel safe, physically protected from external harm, as well as protected within the family from verbal, emotional, and physical mistreatment. Family members can be themselves without fear or shame. Emotional, behavioral, and sexual abuse are absent.

Establish emotional stability. Fathers manage their own emotions, refrain from extremes of emotion and behavior, and act based on principles, reason, and prudence. Decisions are not made during episodes of intense feeling.

Disciplining and teaching responsibility, self-discipline, and morality. Communicating clear expectations, adhering to stated principles and rules, giving constructive feedback, modeling and assuring respect, responsibility, and the acquisition of life skills.

Demonstrate and reinforce values and behaviors such as integrity, respect, and kindness. Guide and educate on how to live one’s life in accord with these values.

The parenting style is as important as fulfilling the responsibilities. Fathers, like mothers, have their own unique contribution to the raising of their children. There are three particularly harmful parenting styles: authoritarian, “laissez-faire” (permissive), and uninvolved styles. Fathers in conjunction with their spouses will determine what their parenting style will be.

The uninvolved style of parenting will ensure that basic needs like shelter, food, and clothing are provided, but the parent is largely absent from the household. The youth raise themselves, without connection to parents or guidance. If it is neglectful enough, child protective services may have to intervene.

Permissive parenting may be warm and affectionate with few expectations and minimal discipline or structure. Essential life skills such as emotional and behavioral self-regulation, valuing prosocial competencies like integrity, caring for others, sacrificing immediate pleasure for long-term benefits, or a sense of morality will be underdeveloped.

The authoritarian parent emphasizes obedience and discipline, with little communication or warmth, nor flexibility in considering the child’s perspective and individual needs. Strict rule-following is non-negotiable and mistakes or dissent are met with harsh consequences. Superficially, children from these families may seem prepared for life; they are compliant, excel in orderly, structured environments, and aren’t noticeably oppositional or disobedient.

Children raised under these parenting styles will be vulnerable to low self-esteem, substance abuse, legal problems, social isolation, academic underachievement, and psychological difficulties.

When the parenting style is authoritative, i.e., moderately high in influencing, warm, affectionate involvement, and committed to nurturing, supporting and enabling accomplishment, children do better in almost every measure of human development.

Children whose fathers have been present in their lives are associated with higher academic achievement in verbal, math, and science skills, improved self-regulation, fewer behavior problems, and fewer psychological difficulties. Fathers whose involvement is characterized as warm, nurturing, accepting, and who provide structure, support for calculated risk-taking, who encourage independence, the confronting of challenges and being more autonomous and self-directed, greatly benefit their children.

Catholic Fathers Have Additional Obligations

The responsibilities enumerated above are those any father would aspire to and in doing so can produce positive outcomes for children. Catholic fathers will do the practical things and take additional actions.

Catholic families do much together; they pray together, worship together, dine together, and make Sunday a day of family togetherness. Make Sunday dinner special, with the expectation that all family members will be there. Significant events like Baptisms, First Communion, Confirmation, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, holiday celebrations are times to be together. There is the ordinary fun of special foods, entertainment, family togetherness, and there is also the matter-of-fact acknowledgement of what makes it special, the sacraments, the milestones of life. These events are understood as something that is done together as a family.

One would expect and hope that the relationships among family members would be different. Ideally, family members are engaged deeply with each other. We aspire for what is best for each other by supporting and challenging one another. It is a Christ-like closeness, a willingness to be known without fearing for the consequences.

A particularly distinctive additional obligation is to obtain a Catholic education for children. Catholic education is likely to be both expensive and inconvenient, especially in traditional Catholic circles. It is probably one of the truest marks of being a Catholic family.

The Fathering Project

Being a dedicated Catholic father constitutes many elements which take decades to reach fruition. As such, it can seem overwhelming. But simply establishing a set of habits that are adhered to consistently to the best of human abilities results in the desired outcome. On the human level, it is useful to see the project as consisting of three layers for implementation.³ The layers are outcomes, processes, and identity. The outcomes are the salvation of the father’s soul and the fulfillment of his obligations to God to provide an environment in which his wife and children can save their souls. The processes are those routine actions of living that increase the chances of obtaining the desired results. Identity is the third level; it is the foundation for achieving the desired outcomes. The central element is your identity as a Catholic father, the fundamental beliefs and values, and the judgments you make about yourself, others and the world. It is your Catholic worldview which is to be open to what God calls you to do. For most men this is to marry, have children and guide them to know Christ, love Him, and serve Him by doing as we ought.

The habits of a Catholic father work hand in hand to embody his identity as a Catholic father. The habits are what you do, “I go to Mass every Sunday and Holy Days, and whenever else I can.” It is what you do, because “I am a Catholic man.” How do you know you are a Catholic man? “Because I do what Catholic men do. Among a great many things, I go to Mass, I raise my children in a particular way, I sacrifice for others, etc. It is who I am.”

Your identity, that bone deep sense of who you are, drives your actions, the processes you have committed to. Each day starts with the question: “As a Catholic father, what should I do today?” Besides preparing yourself for your job, you might help awaken the children, get them dressed and feed them beside your wife, having first led them in prayer. While you are doing so, you cultivate your relationships with all your family members, being present to them, engaging with them, behaving in a particular way. It is who you are; it is what you do.

The processes are where you have the most control. Cultivate the necessary habits, establish your systems for action, and trust that it will get you to your destination. By sustaining the process, you will reinforce your identity as a Catholic father.

Undermining the Fatherhood Project

Few purposes in life are as all-encompassing as being a Catholic father. The stakes are high, the souls of your loved ones; there is no respite, as you do not get to take a vacation from being a Catholic. The job requirements keep changing: having mastered having children in grade school, you see them become teenagers, and your relationship with them requires dynamic changes until they reach maturity; they become young adults, for which it takes a few years to gain competency, and then the grandchildren come along. And sadly, you will never know whether you did well enough until the next life. This is our mission in life; it has been given to no one else.

The first step of the Fatherhood Project is a very careful examination of what is required. It will entail much, over decades of effort. You may conclude that you do not have the necessary skills nor stamina, and it is entirely on your shoulders. It is indeed daunting; and not impossible.

Self-doubt. Many men feel like imposters when confronting the obligations of fatherhood, that they are just not up to the task, and that if others actually knew how ill-prepared they were, they would doubt their ability to do the job. Self-doubt can be rampant—how can a father be entrusted with such responsibility?

James Stenson has written much on parenting and especially how fathers need to be effective leaders at home in the same way that they are in the workplace. “A successful father exercises leadership at home as much as on the job—and in roughly the same ways.”⁴ Having a vision of your purpose, a sense of what is necessary to achieve your goals, prioritizing tasks, focusing on essentials, collaborating with coworkers, gives you the necessary skills. It is not a business, the goals are vastly different and superior to those of employment; but the strength of character, the commitment to a fundamental purpose, will apply to leading your family. If you have reached young adulthood, you have already undertaken projects akin to being a father. Graduating school, launching a career, excelling creatively or athletically, require the same skills as being a father.

Loneliness. One might wonder how Catholic fathers could ever feel lonely. They have larger families and are engaged in a Catholic community with other like-minded families through school and other church activities.

It can be a challenging commitment to engage in these activities. Many traditional Catholic families travel far to attend Mass and bring their children to Catholic schools. Many live in neighborhoods where they are the only large family as well as the only family who regularly attends Mass. You will be different; fasting on Fridays, praying before meals, not using profanity that defames Christ. It is not the norm, and it is lonely.

It can seem that you are the only one doing these things. It is unlikely to be acknowledged, much less appreciated by the people around you. In my experience, most are not hostile, rather they are indifferent, neither helpful nor antagonistic. Ironically, over time they may begin to see the value in what you are doing, and become more respectful, trusting, and then curious. Other parents see how their own children begin to behave, and if unsure about how to handle a situation, they might ask you about it. In charity, you offer the best you can, but it may not reduce your differentness.

You Are Capable and Not Alone

Becoming a Catholic father is best accomplished in the company of other Catholic men, but you will have to seek it in others, and perhaps take the initiative to establish these relationships. Consider joining your chapel’s Holy Name Society, or similar organization. Look for activities with other men, such as volunteering in support of your chapel or school. Make a commitment to your Catholic community. Consider a retreat. Surprisingly, five days of silent contemplation seeking a fuller Catholic life, in the company of several dozen men, can be an effective antidote to loneliness.

The most effective is to organize a small group of men for monthly meetings to help each other be better Catholic men. Fathering is very challenging and not done well all by yourself. Men need other men to be their best version of themselves. Ideally, friendships based on virtue can evolve out of these gatherings.

Initiating your personal Catholic fatherhood project begins by showing up to take it on. Simply put, you need to marry and begin a family. The fathering project starts before you fully understand what you have gotten into. Probably a good thing, since if you knew, you might not do it.

Recall that “it is what you do; it is who you are.” Keep yourself oriented on what you need to do, and given your identity, what you will do as a Catholic. Focus on what you can control, the manner in which you do it, and attend to your compass point. This is the process, the system, the collection of habits that you are committed to. The outcome is not in your hands. Assuming you are pursuing these matters out of love for God, and those beings he has entrusted to your care, it will be according to His plan, which you do not know.

A Catholic Father Cheat Sheet

• Show up.
• Be present, fully attentive to those around you.
• Want and do what is best for them, charitably and humbly confident that it will work out.
• Monitor what you are doing right, acknowledge it, and do it even more.
• Manage your emotions before disciplining or making any important decisions.
• Prioritize relationships over decision-making, disciplining, or being right
• Ground your existence on a personal relationship with Christ; it will be the template for all relationships.
• Seek the company of other Catholic men, for counsel, correction based on virtue; humbly accept and thank them for their feedback, even when they say you are doing well.
• Keep your moral compass oriented to God.
• Engage with other Catholic men in virtuous companionship.
• Rely on the Sacraments for consolation and to fortify yourself.
• Obtain spiritual direction and listen carefully.

I have taken the liberty of modifying Saint John Henry Newman’s meditation, “The Mission of My Life,” for Catholic fathers. I hope you will find consolation and restoration in it. I also pray that you will take St. Joseph as your patron, trusting him fully since he has never failed to aid fathers, as we commence the noble and seemingly overwhelming project of being a Catholic father.

A Catholic Father’s Mission of Life

Based on Newman’s “The Mission of My Life”

God has created me, a Catholic father, to do Him a specific service.

He has committed me to be the father of my family; He has not committed it to another.

Being a father is part of my mission in life.

I may never know in this life if I have done it well, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection among wife, our children, and their children.

Fatherhood is a noble calling, He has not created me for naught.

I shall do good; I shall do His work, even when I don’t feel up to the task.

I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, at home, at work, in public; while not intending it if I do but keep His commandments.

Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away.

If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. While doubting my capabilities, by trusting Him, I may serve him.

If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about.

He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers.

He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me.

Still, He knows what He is about.

Endnotes

¹ Pope Pius XII, “To the Fathers of Families,” September 18, 1951, published in The Angelus Magazine (June 2001).

² M. Lamb, ed., The Role of the Father in Child Development, 5th ed. (John Wiley & Sons, 2010).

³ See J. Clear, Atomic Habits (2018).

⁴ James Stenson, A Father’s Unity of Life; see also Danger Signs: Families Headed for Trouble, and others.

TITLE IMAGE: Sunday Walk, Ludwig Knaus (1829-1910).