Hospitality, the Cheerful Giver
The Formal Practice of Charity and Embracing Moments
Must mothers get caught up in the mundane? Too many mothers wish away tough times—childbirth, midnight feedings, toddler tantrums, adolescent arguments—failing to recognize that these are fleeting moments compared to eternity. Unfortunately, when these hard times pass, the joys also go—the sweet newborn, early wonder at the universe, and simplicity. Just a couple decades and the everyday intimacy fades as the young adult leaves home. Therefore, mothers of every season must remind each other to embrace every moment. To this end, a mother’s goal is to embody the persona of the cheerful giver; and the chief tool she has at her disposal is one of charity’s most delightful applications—hospitality.
As we learned in our catechism, “Charity is the virtue by which we love God above all things for His own sake, and our neighbor as ourselves for the love of God.”1 A mother finds joy and energy in this regard and she should never reserve it only for those who do not live in her home, or for when she is in the mood. Charity is only true when it is practiced at all times, in all places, and especially in the home. The mother should come out to play, so to speak, enjoying herself immensely while doing it.
Hospitality is that practical application of charity which actively shows those around us the extent of love that is present in the heart. Not to be confused with entertaining, which chiefly serves to distract and give variety, hospitality is the rule for practicing charity in its most cheerful and ceremonial form. When offered, it is under a veil of kindness, service, and self-sacrifice. Habitual charity—and mothers should be career professionals in the charity business—sees what others need without them knowing yet that they need.
Emily Post reminds us that “A home is a reflection of the people who live there and the culture they have created through the physical appearance of the home, the emotional atmosphere, the standards set, and the traditions kept.”2 The hospitable home, and its hospitable keepers, will lift out of everyday life what is mundane, replacing it with the brilliance of God’s grace. At first light, a mother models hospitality from that good morning kiss for her husband down to helping him rouse the children to prayer. No matter what yesterday dealt, her manner says that this day is a good day. As Fr. Gerard Beck, SSPX, reminded listeners during a conference, “St. John Bosco says, ‘no one cultivates a tender plant with harsh treatment, and much less with violence’…kindness shows that you care.” Further, “It’s so important to understand their [children’s] need for belonging, their need for security, their need for recognition, when they make an effort, when they accomplish something, their need for encouragement.”3 From this we understand the real disposition of charity.
The day passes from one hospitable act to another. Service to the family, such as meals, cleaning, laundry, and errands will consume the most time. Sprinkled throughout the week, however, hospitality elevates homelife through things such as special meals, refreshing decor, eventful activities, and comforts. Think of times spent at a hotel or fine restaurant. Those employed in this industry are required to constantly be friendly and cheerful; and they do this for motives such as career, finances, and social status. A mother’s work of hospitality is elevated, however, because it is the practice of charity for very little earthly gain and for duty and charity alone. Indeed, often the only gain is a loving husband and children, and nothing more. Hospitality is the school wherein a mother lectures chiefly without words and tests her children by requiring that they come to her aid reciprocally.
Mothers, make your home a place of joy and peace. Spend your energy there instead of day-dreaming away your children’s youth so that you can be off tasting some excitement. One late nineteenth-century author wrote, “A true home is one of the most sacred of places. It is a sanctuary into which men flee from the world’s perils and alarms”; and elsewhere, “Few things we can do in this world are so well worth doing as the making of a beautiful and happy home. He who does this builds a sanctuary for God and opens a fountain of blessing for men.”4 If families made greater efforts to make their homes getaways from the world’s trials, there might be fewer people seeking getaways elsewhere. It is no surprise, then, where home is solely for sacrifice and suffering, or where boredom reigns in what we do among stagnant surroundings, that we might feel the need to be always out of that home. The mother’s career is to avoid making a dreary or chaotic home so that a man or child does not seek rest or adventure elsewhere. Such was the case with White Wynd in Chesterton’s Brave New Family. The father describes his longing for “home,” expressing that the current place was not it: “The rafters are cobwebbed, the walls are rain-stained. The doors bind me, the rafters crush me. There are littlenesses and bickerings and heartburnings here behind the dusty lattices where I have dozed too long.”5
Family hospitality can be hard to envision where obsessing on the overwhelming has become the culture of the home. Finding the path to hospitality begins with believing in the grace which God has given to the motherhood vocation and fully utilizing it. The mother “represents God’s activity in the world, for He is a God of peace, constancy, rest, and security.”6 Start any place, but there is a wealth of ideas for those who are ready to dive in.
Organizing hospitalities into a series of job titles can not only be fun, but also efficient. To begin with, a disordered and filthy home is not hospitable. Therefore, housekeeping is the first order of business. Once habitually conquered, especially for those who currently have several young children under roof, the family can move on to other things. The disarray might be very real and cannot always be fully conquered, but finding a relative norm is key. The kitchen is formed of head chef (Mother) and sous chefs (the older children), while the cleanup crew can include every member of the home, down to the toddlers. Together, a house is formed into a true sanctuary from the hardships of the world as diners relax and chat. A certain concierge is formed wherein each person, in his own capacity, makes certain that all who live under their common roof are truly comfortable and happy. Everyone is concerned about their day together, their work and play, and their general happiness. Make it as ceremonial as you wish; go ahead and put the mints on the pillows and flowers in the vases. Toddlers may be taught to greet the school children at the end of day, helping to tidy away their backpacks and lunchboxes. The possibilities are endless; and it is always surprising how this atmosphere becomes a part of mother’s self-care. She is completely at rest with her daily choices and lives life to the fullest without ever leaving home. Further, because love breeds love, she will experience that the family’s learned hospitalities will have her comfort as their goal.
Add some spice with periodic events and activities. Let the family’s many hobbies dictate these, and add new ones to introduce as many experiences as possible. A family will thrive amidst the excitement of everyday life! Schedule tea times, utilizing the opportunity for everyone to practice service. Take the precious moment to delve deeply one-on-one with pre-teens and adolescents. Play instruments on music nights or at least enjoy a symphony recording while family members work on hobbies. Schedule in billiards or penny poker tournaments, or play some bingo to win little inexpensive prizes on certain weeknights. Invite another family for dinner periodically. Get all the children involved, putting their charity to the test with ideas and efforts so that the already busy parents hardly have to do a thing. It is surprising what they come up with and what life skills they will perfect, all before they are in their teens! Additionally, all the variety of leisure activities will make the daily prayers, meditation, or rosary something to look forward to, and feel like all part of the same fun and relaxation.
It is often mentioned that children must be “socialized.” This always seems to be in the context of getting them with other children, in or outside of school. But with all this emphasis, one wonders if young men and women are destined to grow into children someday! While having good friends now while they are young is necessary and good, the greatest emphasis on the social life is often spent unwittingly in keeping our children immature. To be realistic, the social life our children will encounter soon is one which will almost exclusively involve adults older than themselves in the workplace, the store, on the road, and in the street. Mothers must prepare their children for that world, and yes, friends will be made along the way. Socialization begins in the home.
We know all too well that our world, apart from its many other negative qualities, has become a world of unrest, of constant change at dizzying speed. It suffers from a permanent nervous disorder, with all its devastating consequences: rudeness, lack of self-control, domineering tendencies, and an inordinate desire for experiences. Yet life can mature, develop, and unfold harmoniously only in an atmosphere of peace, security, and quiet—in other words, at home. If parents communicate to a child nothing but inconstant back-and-forth, unrest, agitation, noise and unease, then something fundamental in his life is disturbed.7
This school of maturity is tested and tried when children are young and required to give of themselves to others, and to engage in conversation with adults. Living in a home atmosphere of hospitality toward themselves and others will be to cultivate the virtues of honor and respect for all who live in the house as well as to any who might pass through its doors. Teaching this begins with ensuring that children feel prized in their own home, which also requires some humility on the part of parents so that they can meet their children where they are at their level. The most successful teachers understand this well.
Fr. Lovasik says, “It is remarkable that Christ, in telling us of the coming judgment, makes the final destiny of all men depend upon whether they have, in this world, exercised the virtue of kindness.”8 Therefore, it is no small thing to emphasize the kindness which hospitality affords. Mothers, look beyond the mundane, and be the cheerful giver. While working out your own salvation is the finest luxury you can purchase for yourself, know that a kind and prudent mother who practices hospitality toward her husband and children becomes the best diplomat to the family which God has entrusted to her and creates an atmosphere for forming children who are also kind, charitable, and mature.
Endnotes
1 Baltimore Catechism, vol. 3 (Charlotte: TAN Classics, 2010), 15.
2 Lizzie Post, Emily Post, and Daniel Post Senning, Emily Post’s Etiquette: Manners for Today, 19th edition (New York: William Morrow, 2017), 457.
3 Fr Beck Discipline 1, 2023, https://soundcloud.com/fsspx-audiofile/fr-beck-discipline-1.
4 James Russell Miller, Secrets Of Happy Home Life: What Have You To Do With It? (Kessinger Publishing, 1894), 5, 30.
5 G. K. Chesterton and Alvaro De Silva, Brave New Family: G.K. Chesterton on Men and Women, Children, Sex, Divorce, Marriage & the Family (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1990), 67.
6 Karl Stehlin, The Nature, Dignity, and Mission of Woman (Kansas City: Angelus Press, 2013), 67.
7 Stehlin, 67.
8 Lawrence G. Lovasik, The Hidden Power of Kindness: A Practical Handbook for Souls Who Dare to Transform the World, One Deed at a Time (Manchester, NH: Sophia Institute Press, 1999), 235.
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