July 2014 Print


A Pastors Perspective: How to Have a Happy Marriage

This interview was given to SSPX priests who have had extensive experience in preparing couples for their wedding and working out their differences during marriage. There is little doubt that this refresher can be a useful reminder of the real purpose and the wonderful effects of the vows for those who live up to them.

Marriage Preparation

 

What, in your opinion, are the prerequisites of young adults who contemplate marriage?

By and large, they must be good Catholics who understand that marriage requires self-sacrifice. Said otherwise, they need to be responsible and take fidelity and their potential children seriously. Concretely, I would suggest the following four points in ascending order of importance:

The physical preparation—that’s hardly worth mentioning, it happens all by itself, normally at an age far removed from a reasonable age for marriage! 
The financial preparation—when the couple marry they don’t need to be able to support a family of ten children (unless a man marries a widow with ten children!) but they do need to have a reasonable financial plan. 
The emotional preparation—there is a certain level of maturity needful for this sacred state of sacrificial love. They must be unselfish, that is, love the other more than themselves.
The spiritual preparation—far too many lose sight of the fact that marriage is a sacred state instituted by God for the sanctification of men. This lack of understanding hobbles a couple, resulting in a number of problems that could be easily overcome if they worked with God’s grace.

What are the duties of the Pastor towards these young adults arriving at the marital age?

Obviously, the preparation for marriage cannot begin when the couple approaches the priest to “start the classes.” There must be sermons, catechism classes, perhaps even youth groups where they can receive formation before the choice of a spouse is even contemplated. Even more remotely, we priests should strive to form the parents of the future spouses so that they can form their children properly from a very young age.

More proximate preparation will include the pre-marriage conferences wherein the pastor should stress the beauty and grandeur of this state of life stemming from the fact that it is a symbol of the bond uniting Christ and the Church.

In your long years of practice, have you noticed a progress or decline in the formation, understanding, and sense of responsibility of married life among the young adults?

In general, there has been a gradual lessening of fervor among our long-time faithful which infects all areas including marriage and marriage-readiness. The decline of maturity is rooted in an overwhelming materialist atmosphere. This atmosphere breeds selfish men like flies. They want instant gratification, video games and pleasure at their finger tips.

Against this bleak background, we can still say that, in our traditional circles, there has been an increase of understanding, due to their being raised in our parishes, attending our schools, following our retreats, etc. Moreover, newcomers to Tradition are often much more fervent in wanting to do the right thing, even if they may be less informed about what it is.

But, generally speaking, there’s little hope for those raised in the Novus Ordo or away from Tradition. They simply have no understanding of the duties of married life, especially on raising a Catholic family. I also notice a lack of perseverance in the conversion of those who become Catholic on the occasion of the marriage. At the least difficulty, they will give up Church practice and, with the loss of sacramental life, comes inexorably the decline.

There is often the complaint that the Pastors in the SSPX offer little by way of formation of young adults. What do you have to say about this?

The problem is not with the priests, I don’t think, but with the world in which they live. The young people today are all “plugged-in” to something: the phone, computers, Internet, music. We preach on the primacy of the spiritual life, but we have difficulty competing with the world’s influence. How long do they listen to us? How can twenty minutes of the Sunday sermon and another five in confession fare with all the Internet sites they peruse, the movies and TV shows they watch?

Is the choice of a fiancé(e) the first question to be raised?

It is a pity that most envisage marriage as the only thing up the road. Most launch into it as if there were no other higher option to which God could call them and miss the graces attached to their proper state in life.

What, in your opinion, could be done to better insure the proper choice of a companion for life?

First, parents educated in and living the Faith are of paramount importance. If young people are sure that they are destined for marriage, before they start “going steady” with someone, I would advise them to choose their partner from the Communion rail—someone whom they regard as better than themselves. I instill in their minds the troubles which usually accompany mixed marriages. If this is emphasized in their high school years, there is much less chance that they will come to us asking to marry a non-Catholic.

What is to be advised for living a courtship profitable for their perseverance in the married state?

Once the partner is properly chosen, let them come and see me quickly. I will then offer spiritual counseling and tips about their potential drawbacks and incompatibility, which might save them much future heartache. I also teach them the need for chaste dating, which will so much affect their mutual respect later on, and I make sure that they are faithful to the Sacraments.

After the wedding, I like to see them stay involved around the parish: these young adults are often great examples for others. I would also ask how things are going and offer to give them further time or even further instructions if need be. I was once asked to continue the instructions after a marriage, which was most edifying for me.

What marriage instructions do you always give before the wedding? How important are these for redressing romantic or worldly views of marital life?

Aside from prayer, the Mass and sacraments, marriage preparation is one thing we do which has the most potential to bring about positive change for the future of the Church. Most societal problems—and very many Church problems—have their root in children’s malformation: never being told no, for example, and never being inspired to strive for excellence whatever it costs! Helping young people to get ready to be the spouses and parents God wants them to be increases our chances of restoring all things in Christ very substantially.

One such preparation experience really stands out for me: It was a young couple who had, unusually, a great desire to read and study and to ask questions and clarifications in the marriage conferences. I could see them getting more serious as the months went by, and, without trying to canonize them, I do think that they have made a very good start to their marriage and family life. The gratifying cases make the normal, more difficult ones, easier to take.

Guidance and Counseling

 

How do you define marriage guidance from the viewpoint of the Pastor?

Marriage guidance is more akin to group spiritual direction than marriage counseling: listening to them, praying with them, and trying to help them determine the will of God and how to carry it out, first of all by the necessary supernatural means: the sacraments (especially calling upon the sacramental grace of matrimony), prayer, sacrifice, cultivating true charity which is protected by mutual respect and kindness. Guidance offers also a supernatural vision of God’s will for them precisely in their roles as husband and wife, father and mother.

I would say that marriage counseling would keep much more to the natural level: techniques to avoid fights and de-escalate conflict and the natural aspects of the supernatural principles listed above.

Do the partners usually knock at your door when it is too late?

Most of the time, I would say that those formed by us come for help too soon! Rather than learning to carry the cross, they tend to want the priest to wave a magic wand and “fix it.” They come to us first before they start seeing a professional counselor.

In my experience, most of the problems come from people not formed for marriage in Tradition, and so it is true to say that they come for help too late, after having already learned horrible habits and suffering from years of malformation—this is not to say that some of our own confreres are guiltless in this regard. I said to a couple one time: “You want me to solve in 25 minutes a problem which has lasted 25 years!”

Would you say that men are usually more reluctant to involve the priest in a crisis situation?

Sometimes—rarely, thank heaven—it’s because they no longer care. Other times it’s out of a false sense of shame; a reluctance to admit they have failed to keep their families on track. Other times it’s because they fear the meeting with the priest will turn into a session in which they are continually bashed and put down. A lot of men—and women—assume the bulk of the problem lies with the husband. One does not have to look far to understand why. Television has consistently disseminated certain lies: men are stupid, women are smart; men are irresponsible, women are responsible; men cannot be faithful, women are practically without temptation in this regard; men are clueless when it comes to family life, only women can properly run a household. We must not be deluded into thinking that these lies benefit only the side of women taking control. It opens the door wide for men to shirk their responsibilities. A lot of men figure, since they’re not expected to be responsible, why bother? Why not be self-centered and selfish?

Often, the wife runs to the priest right away, and the priest may be prejudiced against the husband’s side of the story. This is why, before seeing them together, I insist on seeing each spouse separately while the other is praying in the chapel or looking at books in the bookstore.

How could this distance from priestly guidance be shortened?

One way is to suggest that troubled couples get guidance when the warning signs start to appear in confession. Another would be to advise couples preparing for marriage that there will be problems and that there is no shame in seeking counsel. Follow-up conferences on marriage and family life can also be of assistance. Regarding the conferences, though, it is sadly the case that very often those who need such conferences most are the very ones who absent themselves.

Pitfalls to Be Avoided

 

What makes families vulnerable in today’s world?

They are vulnerable to the extent that they are not committed to living the Faith with the balance needed to avoid falling into the opposite extremes of worldliness and proud pietism. They have original sin’s effects just like everyone else. And what are the causes of troubles? They are the wounds of original sin and of their own sins, a certain “formalism” about the Faith which I call “card-punch Catholicism,” and ultimately the lack of a deep spiritual life which would ground them in the supernatural and keep them balanced.

Does this apply in the same degree to our traditional families?

Our families are a little less vulnerable, but not much. The sacraments and a good spiritual life can help keep them on the right path, but the influence of the world is so great—especially the Internet. They follow too easily the deadly trends: porn, contraception, alcoholism and gambling. In recent years, pornography (for men) and social media (for women) have increased selfishness and vanity, which is egocentric—when marriage is the opposite. In marriage, one cannot be egocentric, but must first think of one’s partner. Many of our traditional families are lacking a serious spiritual life with regular frequentation of the sacraments.

And what are the causes of troubles on the part of the husband first?

Husbands can be inattentive for various reasons. Selfishness is one reason. Sometimes one finds a husband that wants nothing more than to pursue his own interests, leaving the wife at home to cook, clean and other. Often, young men especially need to be reminded that after they are married they are no longer free to live the life of a bachelor. Basketball with the guys five nights a week is no longer an option. Another reason lies in simply not knowing how to communicate with their spouse; not knowing how to make her feel loved. Although this stymies a relationship, the saddest thing is that it’s easily corrected. Many couples never correct it.

And what are the causes of troubles on the part of the wife?

There tends to be an exaggerated focus on the children. It isn’t hard to see where this error originates. The primary purpose of matrimony is children, hence many conclude that when children arrive the bulk of their attention must go to the children, to the detriment of the spousal relationship. This results in the couple growing apart and the children developing an entitlement mentality. Parents must realize that the time they spend fostering their own relationship—the only one in the house that is sacramental—they are not depriving their children of anything. They are, in fact, providing their children with a stable home environment. For the home to be stable Mom and Dad have to be on track.

What occurs all too often when one marries a non-traditional partner?

They usually stop going to our Mass centers. As a “compromise” they will attend the Fraternity of St. Peter, or a Latin Mass in the archdiocese. Soon they are away from the family rosary and other devotions; their children attend public schools. The Faith has become for them just a Sunday obligation. They are not living the Faith.

Could you advise the reading of some books which could help build their marriage and family, and help discern the symptoms of incoming problems?

There are a number of good books on the subject. If parents get one really good idea from a book, it was probably worthwhile. I do recommend that parents—and people in general—read consistently. If a person reads just ten pages a day from a book, that will help them improve in some way. That translates into between 15 and 20 books per year. Here are some such books: Beginning Your Marriage, Cana Is Forever, Three to Get Married, The Catholic Marriage Manual (by Rev. George Kelly). Also, from the natural standpoint: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, Fighting for Your Marriage, The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. This last book, whatever its flaws, has helped a lot of couples improve their communication issues.

Could you cite examples of positive outcomes of talking with the priest?

One may tend to be pessimistic as they are often not really interested in following the advice I give, even though I try to convince them very kindly. They want the priest to “fix it” or at least side with one over the other. But, in and of itself, talking to the priest can motivate people to things they often would not do otherwise. The very knowledge that on such and such a day one has an appointment with Father and will have to make a progress report can be very motivating, indeed. Father becomes the accountability person.

Is this the only ‘positive’ example you might offer us?

Here is a positive experience. I did find this highly educated wife with four young children, who came to me after having left her husband for three or four years. She was willing to talk to me, separately and then with her husband, basically to announce that she had decided to file for divorce, that she had the Okay from her priestly Novus Ordo uncles, and that the dice had already been cast! The conversation with both rolled over their differences and issues, and I requested that her husband seek a therapist. A week later, I heard that she had gotten the divorce papers and that it was all over! I never saw so clearly someone making the one fatal decision in life. Yet, lo and behold! A month later, they were not only on speaking terms but on the road to recovery, and I certainly had people pray that they may both revert to their state in life, the cross God gave them for their own salvation!

How much does the official Church mentality (the ease in having Catholic marriages declared null) have an impact on our own traditional marriages?

Quite a lot! The ones with any intelligence know that if we married them, they can always “get out of it” if things get bad by going to the diocese for an annulment. Knowing that the door is open is extremely harmful when things get tough and the temptation to run is great.

How can one instill the concept of ‘indissolubility’ on a contract when all society and social behavior is so unstable?

It is important to first stress the need for personal accountability. People often look for a way out because shirking responsibility and blaming others has become the modern way of life. I really emphasize this in the first class we have: Marriage is until death. It matters not if a judge, a lawyer, a bishop, or even the pope says “you’re not married” because “What God has joined together, no man can put asunder.” I think if they go into their marriage fully understanding that there’s no way out, they won’t look for a way out, but they’ll work to fix it.

Final Questions

 

Could you give one of the best cases you relish in preparing souls for marriage?

I often use the example of a couple I married years ago. The man was not Catholic. He worked with this traditional Catholic girl and loved the way she conducted herself. He asked her out, and she said, “I’m sorry, I don’t date non-Catholics since dating is meant to lead to marriage, and I cannot marry a non-Catholic.” Well, he was so impressed by her that he came to see me for instructions. I said, “Just because you become Catholic doesn’t mean she’ll go out with you.” He said, “I know, but I am convinced that the Catholic Faith is the true Faith because of the way she is.”

To be brief: he became Catholic. She did go out with him and fell in love with him and accepted his marriage proposal. But when it came time to marry, he was the most nervous person I have ever seen! I said, “But you have loved her since you first met her. How could you doubt that she’s the one?” He said, “It’s not her that I doubt, but myself. I don’t know if I will be a good enough husband for her.” That humility and unselfishness was what made him a good husband. On her part, it was her strength as a Catholic that drew him to the Faith, and I’m sure enabled her to pass on the Faith to her children. Last I heard, they have a big family and a happy marriage in one of the principal SSPX parishes.

Any other cases you might remember?

Here are another couple of cases. I remember having given convert classes to two Protestant ladies whose fiancés did not seem too serious about their commitment. They took to the faith like a duck to water. Afterward, they were the ones to put pressure on their husband and make sure that they would live up to their family responsibilities. To the first one, I mentioned that, as she received her first communion, she could ask for anything and God would grant it to her. She came after and revealed to me that she had asked God to preserve her from committing any mortal sin!

Have you any opposite experience of offi­ci­ating at a wedding that did not turn out well?

When I first came out of the seminary I did not have the necessary experience. I knew this young man was simply going through the motions. But I didn’t stop it. They had the marriage annulled in a year! Sadly, this happened more than once. I think (perhaps) marriage instructions should be given by priests with at least several years experience. Those first few years, we can be intimidated by the families or even by the couple that we have to marry them. I should have simply told them, “No, I cannot in conscience perform this marriage.” But I think our young priests today are stronger in this area than I was.

Any other type of the worst case scenario?

It was the convalidation of a civil marriage where they just wanted to “get it done.” They did act pretty heroically in order to separate before the marriage, but it was pretty clear that they weren’t really listening or accepting the formation I was trying to give. They separated within six months after a horrible fight during which he beat her. To top it off, he told the police that I had told him it was permitted to beat her if she refused the marriage debt! I was even nervous about being in trouble with the police as an accomplice to assault and battery! He had clearly only heard what he wanted to hear in the marriage instructions, since I did explain the obligation of the marriage debt and its limits, but of course it was very clear that spousal abuse was not allowed…

Would you give some final words of wisdom to young adults preparing to wear the ring?

Start thinking and praying about what to do in life very early on. If it is clear that there is no vocation, start reading and studying about marriage; go on retreat; get established in a career; get or stay out of debt and start saving money to start a family; go to places (ordination, etc.) where it is possible to meet a serious Catholic spouse; talk to successful married people and to your pastor about what to do to get ready for a successful marriage. Strive to develop the qualities of good spouses and parents through reading, instruction, advice, and observation of those who do it well! Don’t just run into a marriage because you’re old enough to do so!

Would you give some final words of wisdom to younger priests preparing couples for marriage?

Stress the need to think with the Church! Stress the beauty of the sacred symbolism of the unity between Christ and the Church. Stress the need to make Christ the King and center of the home from their wedding day!