by Dr. Robert Lazu Kmita

Husband and Father in a Non-Christian Culture

In the present article I will try to present as clearly as possible my personal solutions to the most important problems that inevitably arise in the life of a Catholic family in general, and in that of the head of a family—a husband and father—in particular. Such a thing seems absolutely necessary in a context where even the most basic values of the Christian family are marginalized, ignored, and often even denied. Sometimes we are so affected by the non- and anti-Christian environment in which we live that we do not even notice certain problems. For example, all those sins that affect the transmission of life—abortion, contraception, voluntary sterilization, etc.—are fairly easy to identify for anyone who has the basic catechesis of the Church. However, other issues, such as, for example, the denial of the existence of hierarchy both at the social level and within the family, are much more difficult to become aware of.

The Christian husband is the “head”—the leader of his family. St. Thomas Aquinas explained this by referring to the act by which God created Eve from Adam’s rib, an act recounted in the text of Genesis (2:21-22). Here is the meditation he offers:

It was right for the woman to be made from a rib of man. First, to signify the social union of man and woman, for the woman should neither “use authority over man,” and so she was not made from his head; nor was it right for her to be subject to man’s contempt as his slave, and so she was not made from his feet. Secondly, for the sacramental signification; for from the side of Christ sleeping on the Cross the Sacraments flowed—namely, blood and water—on which the Church was established (Summa Theologiae, I, Q. 92, art. 3).

It is remarkable that in such a short passage the Angelic Doctor told us so much. The first thing, as we see immediately, is that the woman may never hold a position of superiority over the man: therefore the wife must always be subject to the husband’s decisions. Obviously, this does not mean tyranny (or “dictatorship”) on the part of the husband, but rather that, after the spouses consult one another, the final decisions belong to the husband. It is like in the council of royal advisors or in the army: the king—or the general—listens to everything the advisors have to say, and in the end makes the decision he considers optimal. The husband acts in the same way: he listens to his wife’s advice, but in the end he alone makes the necessary decision. Of course, it is understood that this concerns all matters of major importance (such as moral or financial issues affecting the family).

St. Thomas clearly shows that the husband must not treat his wife as an inferior being, as a slave, but as a true friend with whom he shares the difficulties and joys of marriage. Therefore, the Christian family is strictly hierarchical: the wife is subject to the husband, and the children are subject to the parents. This is the first thing that a Catholic husband and father must take into account in a context where the hierarchical principle is—as I have already said—minimized or even excluded. But how can this be possible if the wife is exposed to an environment in which feminism is dominant? Or in which the husband is rather “encouraged” to give up his responsibilities and role?

We already realize how important it is to cultivate a healthy, Christian environment, in which family members share the same values. Today, such an environment is the exception, not the rule. What do we do in such a situation? The essential things that the Catholic husband/father must do always depend first and foremost on the way in which he himself recognizes God as “head”: for our Lord Jesus Christ is the “head” of the husband, Saint Paul teaches us (I Cor. 11:3), while the husband is the “head” of the wife. But how could a husband be respected as such if he does not first respect Him who is his King?

The Destruction of Life

Of all the areas in which the kingship of God is violently and systematically excluded, none is as important as that of the transmission of life. In the vast majority, the most numerous sexual sins are those that voluntarily make the intimate act infertile. It is therefore no coincidence that the largest quantity of sermons and moral texts of the great Saints and Doctors who worked among the laity concern such sins. Here I wish to note an aspect that is often ignored: the point at which spouses offer a true testimony of faith toward God as King—therefore the supreme Lord of their lives—is their intimate life.

One of the most subtle and profound teachings of the Blessed John Duns Scotus O.F.M. (c.1265/66–1308) asserts the distinction between “active conception” and “passive conception” with regard to the intimate life of spouses. Concretely, this teaching says that the bodily, sexual union of spouses represents “passive conception.” Why passive? Because it only makes available to the Almighty Creator the “material” that allows the conception of a new life. However, for a new human being to come into existence in the woman’s womb, “active conception” is needed: this is God’s intervention, who alone, in a mysterious and inconceivable way, decides to create a new soul—directly and immediately—which will “organize” the biological matter from the bodies of the two spouses with the purpose of bringing a child into being.

The experience of spouses clearly shows them that the appearance of a new life does not depend on them. Through our faith, we Christians know on whom it depends: on God, the only one who truly creates the soul of a new human being. This is why we can say that only God is truly active in the conception of a child.

If we accept this teaching and understand its implications, we immediately realize that there is almost no other area of Christian family life where one can see whether spouses are subject to God or not, whether they consider Him their King. Clearly, we are dealing with supreme hierarchy: God is the absolute Sovereign, and we are only His subjects.

The modern world is synonymous with contraception, with abortion and with euthanasia. Never have such extremely grave sins become the “norm” of an entire culture. A multitude of laws, as well as numerous means made available by science, have been created to allow people to deny the kingship of God. It is clear why the Christian husband finds himself in a terrible situation, in which he is often alone in the face of med-tech giants and modern politicians. Yet these are not the greatest adversaries; rather, it is the feminist mentality, of profound rebellion against divine law, a mentality which affects the vast majority of women today.

The Catechetical Domestic School

This is why the husband is, first of all, obliged to learn the Catechism himself. But, simultaneously, he is obliged to do everything in his power so that his wife also learns—and, of course, follows—the Catechism. We find such concrete recommendations in one of the greatest Doctors of the Church and masters of Christian pastoral care: St. John Chrysostom. In one of his sermons recorded in the monumental volume of his commentaries on the Gospel according to Matthew, he teaches us the following:

I hear many say, “While we are here, and enjoying the privilege of hearing, we are awed, but when we are gone out, we become altered men again, and the flame of zeal is quenched. What then may be done, that this may not come to pass?” Let us observe whence it arises. Whence then does so great a change in us arise? From the unbecoming employment of our time, and from the company of evil men. For we ought not as soon as we retire from the Communion, to plunge into business unsuited to the Communion, but as soon as ever we get home, to take our Bible into our hands, and call our wife and children to join us in putting together what we have heard, and then, not before, engage in the business of life.¹

From the above, we easily understand that this concerns the Holy Scripture and the sermon heard in church. What St. John urges the heads of families to do is to re-read the Sunday biblical reading in their own home and then recount the teaching they have received through the sermon delivered by the bishop or by the priest. Here is a minimum that anyone can do. Taking into account, however, the context so completely different from that of the Eastern Roman Empire in the fourth century, when the contemporary avalanche of mass media did not exist, I am absolutely convinced that we must do more.

Concretely, in our own family, we established about a quarter of a century ago a program inspired by Saint John Chrysostom, which we continue to follow today. Every evening, at a fixed hour, all those who are at home gather for the prayer of the Holy Rosary. At the conclusion, we always read a passage from the Holy Scripture. Over the years, we have followed several “methods” that have helped us go through the texts of the Holy Old and New Testaments multiple times.

For example, at first we aimed to read two chapters each evening. In approximately two years, starting with Genesis and ending with Apocalypse, we read the entire Bible. We then did this more slowly: one chapter per day. It took us almost three years. During certain periods, we read and reread the Psalms of the King and Prophet David. Several times we read together only the New Testament. Sometimes only the Gospels, other times only the Epistles and other texts.

In addition to the Holy Scripture, during certain periods we read the catechisms of the great saints and Doctors: that of St. Robert Bellarmine, that of St. Jean Marie Vianney, and that of St. Pius X. We also read the Roman Catechism at least twice. Here, then, are some readings through which any husband and father can bring to the attention of his wife and children the teachings of Christian Revelation. I emphasize: this does not imply excluding the catechesis offered by our priests. Fortunately, I have noticed that in the chapels of the Society of Saint Pius X, programs of catechesis are continuously offered for all ages.

Just as bishops and priests must be the principal catechists of their faithful, the heads of families can be the catechists of their own families. Here I wish to emphasize an aspect that must not be neglected: the spiritual passion with which such things must be done. Without being deeply convinced of their value, and without having ourselves a great passion for the knowledge of the supernatural teachings of our Church, we will never be able to convince others. There is no other way for us to be apostles, evangelists, and missionaries to ourselves and to those around us. Only in this way can we have a strong faith that can strengthen us against contraception (and any other grave sin), leading us to accept all the children that God wills to create within our families.

The True Motive of Demographic Collapse

There are a few countries, very few, that, worried by demographic collapse, have tried to “fix” the situation through economic policies encouraging childbirth (just think about Catholic countries like Poland and Italy). Without exception, such attempts have failed. The materialist and egocentric tsunami cannot be overcome with economic measures. We see concretely how often poor families are more generous than rich ones. I personally know families who, although possessing real wealth, have no children. It is a situation I have encountered everywhere: in the United States, in the UK, in Scotland, in France, in Italy, in Germany. Although far wealthier than their ancestors, modern people refuse procreation. This indicates, without any doubt, the disappearance of faith. For wherever I have encountered large families, this was due to the husband and wife alike embracing Christian values.

I have often asked myself what is, after all, the strongest reason that has led to the current demographic collapse. The answer is certainly not economic. It is something far more significant, though harder to perceive: it is the “soft” persecution to which mothers are subjected, simultaneously with the encouragement for them to abandon their husbands and families through careerism and worldly success. I reached this conclusion after observing around me, over the last thirty years, a very significant fact: none of our acquaintances who had wives with demanding careers accepted (in the best cases!) more than 1–2 children. By contrast, in all the large families we know, the mother is usually only a wife and the “guardian of the home.”

The poverty to which today’s world condemns most large families, simultaneously with the song of the “sirens” promoting a “happy” life without children, has led to the destruction of most families. Such a situation cannot be confronted without strong convictions and without husbands and fathers who are simultaneously aware of the difficulty of their mission and of its importance.

I cannot conclude without emphasizing, however, the most important “ingredient.” It is an ingredient which, if missing, cannot be replaced by anything: prayer. Having already five adult children, I have had the opportunity to see that very often I, as a father, have no other means to help them in order to advance on the path of salvation amid myriads of temptations. Like Job, King David, or St. Peter, I have discovered that when I have no other means at hand, I have prayer. What we cannot do, in situations sometimes incredibly difficult, God can certainly do. Here is the supreme conviction that a Catholic husband and father must cultivate with the greatest tenacity.

Endnotes

¹ St. John Chrysostom, Homilies on Matthew: https://www.newadvent.org/fathers/200105.htm [Accessed: 26 January 2026].

TITLE IMAGE: Saying Grace, Norman Rockwell (1894–1978).